Home Alone (With a Baby)
by pupeez4eva
Summary: Jason is alone at the manor when baby Damian first arrives. Now, with Bruce off on a business trip, and Alfred visiting family, he and Dick must ban together to babysit their new little brother. Baby!Damian AU.
1. When Jason Met Damian

The world was out to get him.

Jason was _sure_ of it. Even if he ignored all the shit he'd been dealt with throughout his life — and wow, there was _a lot_ _—_ he'd thought things were finally improving. He'd gone from street rat to billionaire's kid, practically overnight, he was Robin, he had easy access to Alfred's amazing cooking — all in all, things were pretty great. They hadn't been this good in a while.

And then there was the added bonus of being left alone for the long weekend. Alfred was off visiting family, Bruce had a business trip that he couldn't cancel, and since Bruce couldn't find anyone to stay with him while he was gone (like he needed a _babysitter),_ he was left to his own devices, with the firm order to, _"_ _call Dick if you need ANYTHING_ _"_ (yeah right, as if his 'older brother' would give a shit), and a long list of phone numbers taped to at least five different locations.

(Jason really needed to remind Bruce that 'overprotective dad' didn't really go with his terrifying-bat image, or his 'Brucie' persona).

So yeah — things were good. And that should have been a sign that they wouldn't be for much longer, because…well, when did he _ever_ have it this good? And maybe all these luxuries were making him soft, because there was a time when Jason was great at sensing danger. Now…well, there wasn't even a quick, _"_ _oh shit!_ _"_ when he heard the knock on the front door. It was just a nice, normal, mundane door-knock, maybe from the postman, or one of their neighbours.

Yeah…no.

That was _not_ what happened, and so, when Jason opened the door, 'nice' and 'mundane' were not what he was greeted with.

There was a baby on the doorstep.

A _fucking_ baby.

A baby that was staring at him with disturbingly-familiar blue eyes, and a even more disturbingly-familiar scowl on his face. Jason briefly considered screaming, _"_ _did anyone lose their baby?!_ _"_ _,_ and then told himself to shut the hellup, and actually come up with a plan.

There was a note tucked next to the baby's blue blanket. Jason stared blankly at it for a few moments, because, as silly as it sounded, he _didn_ _'_ _t want to go near the thing_ (and by 'the thing' he meant the baby. The creepy, scowling baby).

Except, well, he was the only one in the house (he was _really_ starting to regret pushing for that now), and he couldn't really leave the baby on the doorstep until Bruce got back. Plus, he was Robin — if he couldn't handle a _baby,_ how could he handle the seriously-deranged creeps that made up more than half of Gotham's population?

He reached down, picked up the note (and okay, he might have shot the baby a wary glance, but — a _baby. Seriously!),_ unfolded it, and immediately groaned.

It was long, and Jason may have skimmed over a lot of it (because he _really_ didn't like where this was going), but he got the basic gist of it:

1\. Bruce had knocked up some chick named Talia

2\. There was now a baby bat in this world, with the same name as the kid in the Omen

3\. Talia-chick really liked to call Bruce 'Beloved' — what was _with_ that? Did Catwoman know?

So the kid was Bruce's. Well, that was…oh shit, did that make him a big brother? Jason bit back a grimace; no, no, he was _not_ thinking about that right now. He'd deal with the scowling baby first, and then handle the implications later.

Of course, maybe Talia-chick was really a bat-shit crazy stalker, and this wasn't _really_ Bruce's kid. Yeah — yeah, maybe that was the story. After all, with all those billions came plenty of crazy people who wanted those billions. He'd go inside, call Bruce, tell him to " _come home right now, because seriously, there_ _'_ _s a baby, and apparently it_ _'_ _s YOURS,_ _"_ and then Bruce would return, and get this sorted out. The baby would go to his _real_ father (who was hopefully a lot saner than Talia-chick), and he'd go back to being an only child (and since Dick never showed his face around here, and seemed content with ignoring Jason's existence, that's pretty much what he was).

Except, well, even though the kid was a _baby_ …he looked _a lot_ like Bruce. Kid had the same eyes as Bruce, and — did he _mention_ the scowl?

(Because the kid was still scowling. Seriously — weren't babies supposed to cry, or something? …Not that he wanted the kid to start crying, of course).

"Okay," he told creepy-baby (Damian — the kids name was Damian. Except this was probably all a huge mistake, and the kid wouldn't be around for long, so did he _really_ need to know the kid's name?), "I'm going to go inside and call Bruce."

He turned around, paused, and then turned back. "Wait, I should probably bring you along," he muttered, mostly to himself. He reached down, and lifted the basket. The baby shifted slightly, looking extremely unhappy.

"Yeah, I'm not happy about this either, kid," Jason grumbled. "But don't worry — you won't have to deal with me for much longer. And you're heavy by the way — _really_ heavy."

Creepy-baby blew a spit-bubble, and somehow managed to keep scowling at the same time.

Jason sighed. Yeah, he should have _known_ something like this would happen sooner or later.

…

 **AN:**

 **Hey, random fanfic I decided to write, since there just isn** **'** **t enough** **"** **Damian-arrives-at-the-manor-as-a-baby** **"** **AUs. I** **'** **ve read some seriously good ones though, and I was really tempted to write my own. I tried to put a bit of a spin on it, and Bruce probably won** **'** **t be coming in until towards the end (although this is going to be overly long - just a few chapters, and if this goes well, I might write more parts in this series later on). I just love the idea of Damian getting to spend his childhood with his dad and siblings.**

 **Also this might have some AU elements, because I** **'** **m not 100% sure about the age difference between Jason and Damian. I** **'** **m setting this not long after Jason was first taken in by Bruce, so I honestly have no idea if Damian would have been a baby canonically** **…I don't THINK so,** **but eh, I really wanted some baby!Damian/Jason interaction, so here it is. Also, no idea if Jason had ever encountered Talia/knew about Talia prior to his resurrection, so I** **'** **m just assuming he doesn** **'** **t know about her in this fic.**


	2. The Worst Babysitter Ever

Bruce wasn't picking up his phone.

Jason could hardly believe it, because after all the lecturing, all the _"here's every number you could possibly need, and here's my mobile number, and it's taped to this wall, but you're also going to memorise it Jason, and don't think I won't quiz you later on…"_ Bruce wasn't picking up his fucking phone.

Jason resisted the urge to whimper, and sank down in the nearest chair. Beside him, on the kitchen counter (still in his little basket) Demon-Baby (as Jason had taken to calling him) was staring at him.

"Come on kid, stop looking at me!" he groaned, and Damian blinked, and blew a spit bubble.

…And okay, that was kind of cute. But that kid was still creepy.

Jason hurriedly dialled Bruce's number again, and held the phone to his ear. Once again it was useless; Bruce didn't pick up the phone, and it went straight to voicemail. Biting back the urge to scream, Jason left the frantic message, _"Bruce seriously, this is an emergency, call me back NOW!"_ and hoped to hell that Bruce would call back soon.

Damian let out a small gurgling noise, and Jason jumped. He peered down at the baby warily, not sure what to do.

"What do you want?" he asked, and Damian blinked cluelessly. Of course he did; he was a baby, and even though he seemed to have inherited the bat-glare (that thing was probably genetic), Jason doubted the kid actually knew anything.

Fine — maybe the kid wasn't going to jump out of his carrier and murder him. That didn't change the fact that he had _no idea what he was doing._

Well, he'd just sit here for now, and wait for Bruce to call back. Then he'd tell his adoptive father to, _"get here now, because apparently you have a kid, and I am NOT looking after a baby, Bruce!"_

…Half an hour later, Bruce still hadn't called.

Jason got up, made himself a sandwich, and then sat back down. All that time, Damian sat quietly, staring curiously at the room in general, or occasionally shooting Jason what he'd labelled 'the Junior Bat Glare' (all caps). Jason sat down, lifted the sandwich, and then paused and glanced down. The kid was staring at him, and it was getting more than a little unnerving. Okay, maybe it was weird that he was this unsettled by a baby but — he'd never been around babies before! He had no idea what he was doing right now!

"What?" he grumbled, and Damian gurgled in response. He sighed and tore of a piece of the sandwich, holding it out. "You want?"

Damian frowned. Jason sighed and pulled away. "Oh yeah, you don't have teeth, do you? Tough luck kid."

He finished the sandwich, and continued to stare at the phone.

Half an hour later, and with still no response from Bruce, Jason was starting to give up. This was getting ridiculous — what the hell he _doing?_ Jason supposed he was lucky that Damian wasn't bawling his eyes out, but all he wanted was to pass the responsibility on to Bruce, and go back to living a wonderful, child-free life.

And it wasn't like Bruce was even the father, right? This was just a ploy from crazy Talia-chick to grab as much of Bruce's billions as she could. The kid wasn't _really_ Bruce's…

Then the Junior Bat Glare resurfaced, and Jason had a moment to reconsider his thoughts, and think, _"oh god, but what if he IS?!"_ before the phone started ringing. He jerked up, grabbed it off the hook, and held it to his ear.

"Bruce?"

It wasn't Bruce.

"Hello, this is John. I'm calling from — "

Jason could honestly care less. With a frustrated howl, he slammed the phone down, and glared furiously at the wall.

And then Damian started to cry.

The baby, apparently startled by Jason's abrupt yell (although Jason stood by the fact that the kid was doing this to mess with him), started to bawl his eyes out, and suddenly looked less like a mini-Batman, and more like the baby he was.

For some reason, that was even more terrifying.

He spent a few moments trying to calm the wailing baby, with no success. When he tried to lift the baby out of his carrier, Damian squirmed, and Jason decided that carrying him was a _bad_ idea. Whether he was Bruce's kid or not, Jason did _not_ want to be responsible for giving a baby brain damage.

He eventually just sat still, listening to the wails, and decided that he was _not fucking dealing with this alone._ Maybe he was a Wayne now, and maybe (just maybe) this kid was also a Wayne (which was a terrifying thought, because it meant years and years or crying, and nappies, and drooling on all the furniture…), and maybe Bruce wasn't picking up his damn phone — but they weren't the only Waynes.

If he was going to suffer, then Dickhead sure as hell wasn't escaping.

...

Dick picked up on the fifth ring. "Jason?"

"Get here now," Jason ordered, and then, in a nicer voice (because Dick was a dick, and would probably hang up, or tell him to deal with his own problems), "it's an emergency."

"What? What happened?" Dick asked, and genuinely sounded concerned. Jason opened his mouth to answer, but Damian chose that moment to let out another hysterical bellow, and Jason nearly dropped the phone.

"What was that?!" Dick demanded.

"What does it _sound_ like?!" Jason demanded. "It's a baby! There's a baby here!"

 _"…Why?"_

"Because apparently Bruce had a kid with some chick named Talia, and whether Talia is bat-shit crazy and after his money, or the old man really did forget to wear contraception and create a mini-bat, _Bruce isn't here, and the baby is, and I have no idea what I'm doing!"_

For a moment Dick just spluttered, _"Talia…baby…Bruce? WHAT?!",_ and then seemingly regained his composure, just as Jason was about to slam the phone down.

"I'll be right over," he said, before hanging up.

Jason couldn't decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **FINALLY updated this! Sorry about the wait guys! Tell me what you think :)**


	3. Brotherly Bonding

Dick arrived in a blaze of motorcycle-riding, wide-eyed glory, and Jason felt a glimmer of hope — Dick was older, wiser (or so he liked to imply whenever he had the chance), and considering how much of a man-whore the guy was, Jason wouldn't be surprised if he had a secret lovechild hidden somewhere.

Then Dick ran up to him and cried, "you were joking right? _Tell me_ you were joking!" and there went that glimmer of hope.

"You think I made the whole thing up — and yet you drove all the way here?" Jason's tone was flat, and Dick's eyes narrowed in response.

"Look Jason, I _really_ don't know you that well, so I honestly don't know."

Jason held back a flinch at that, because he should be used to it by now. But it was the truth — the adoption papers may make them family, but Dick had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with him, and being reminded of that rejection…well, it hurt.

 _'You never needed a brother before,'_ he reminded himself heatedly, _'so you sure as hell don't need Dick now. Or Demon Baby. DEFINITELY not Demon Baby.'_

" — and I 'drove all the way here' because you told me that Bruce has a _baby._ With _Talia al Ghul._ So yes, Jason, I'm going to come over, because if it's true then _what the hell was Bruce thinking?_ And if it's not true, you are _so_ screwed kid."

Dick shouldered his way past, and Jason maturely stuck his tongue out at the older man.

Jason paused to close the door behind him (the last thing they needed was to have the house robbed on top of everything), before following Dick. He found him frozen in front of Damian's carrier. Jason walked up to him and glanced at his face, and — yup: wide-eyes, gaping mouth, expression a mix of shock, awe, disbelief and…horror?

 _'Huh, guess I'm not the only one who finds Demon Baby terrifying.'_

"Talia al Ghul," Dick hissed, shaking his head. "I _cannot_ believe — wait, you're _sure_ it's Talia?" Dick turned to Jason, and Jason wanted to shoot back something smart and mature like, _"oh, just like I wasn't SURE if I was joking or not?"_ (and maybe even throw in a 'Dickhead' for good measure). But there was an intensity in Dick's gaze, and Jason bit back the retort, and simply nodded his head.

He handed Dick the note, and watched as he scanned it, his expression growing more frustrated by the second.

 _"Goddammit_ Bruce!" he cursed when he put it down. Jason spared a quick glance at Damian, aware that they'd been ignoring the baby for quite some time (babies didn't like to be ignored, did they? Or maybe that was dogs…), but Damian was simply watching them, bored and unconcerned, and Jason liked the kid best when he was relatively forgettable.

"I can't believe he'd have a _kid_ with _Talia!"_ Dick seemed more concerned with _who_ the mother was, than the actual existence of the kid, and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why. What, was Talia _his_ girlfriend or something? Or was Dick just a major Batman/Catwoman shipper?

"Is Talia your girlfriend?" he asked, since it seemed more plausible than the other option. Last he'd heard, Dick was dating that hot alien chick, but like he'd said, Dick was a major man-whore (Babs had given him all the details).

Dick stared at him for a moment, and Jason silently patted himself on the back, because _'yeah, great detective skills!'_ (but also _'oh shit, Bruce, your son's girlfriend, really?'_ ).

And then he screamed, "what, no, huh — Jason, what the _HELL?!"_

"What?!" Jason protested, and then Damian — seriously, that kid was out to get him; he'd stayed quiet throughout all of _Dick's_ crap — chose that moment to let out a loud wail.

Both Jason and Dick froze.

"Wha — what do I do?!" Dick yelped.

"I don't know!" Jason shot back, staring down at Damian in horror. Oh no, the brat had only just shut up before Dickhead had arrived. He was _not_ going through this again. "That's why I called you over!"

Then he took a step back. Dick had been Bruce's son for way longer, and therefore it was his responsibility to deal with this.

Dick stood over Damian, his hands fluttering uselessly over the baby.

"Uh — there, there," he choked, patting the baby awkwardly on the head (yes — _patting him on the head._ Seriously Dickhead, it was a baby, not a dog). "Just — stop crying? Please?"

Damian continued to wail. Dick bit his lip, and ran a hand frantically through his hair.

"Right, uh, okay. I'm just going to carry you, okay — uh, whatever your name is…"

"Damian," Jason supplied, still at a safe distance.

"Right, Damian," Dick said, nodding. "Okay, up we go — "

Jason had a moment to silently laugh at the fact that _Dick sounded like a total idiot,_ before he realised that, shit, Dick was picking the baby up? What if he dropped him? Gave him brain damage?

"Put him down, you'll drop him!" Jason hissed frantically.

Dick cradled the baby — awkwardly, yes, but he wasn't dropping him, and Damian wasn't squirming (again, what the _hell?_ The kid clearly had favouritism issues).

"I won't drop him," Dick said, but he didn't sound wholly certain of that. "See? He's stopped crying."

Damian _had_ stopped crying. Dick quickly pushed him back into the carrier, and stepped away, looking relieved.

"See? That wasn't too bad," Dick said, grinning. Jason resisted the urge to scowl.

The two stood there, watching the baby for a moment. Damian sucked on his thumb, and stared back blankly.

"…So," Jason coughed. "Talia-chick…who is she?"

Dick turned to him, his expression incredulous. _"Talia-chick?"_

"Yeah — I'm trying to figure out if she's just a gold digger after Bruce's money, or if she's the real deal. What do you think?"

Dick stared at him for a moment, as if struggling to form a response, and then finally said, _"Talia al Ghul?_ You know — Ra's al Ghul's daughter?"

Jason shifted uncomfortably. "Well clearly I _don't_ know," he bit back. "I haven't been doing this for as long as you."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Well I know _that."_

Jason felt his cheeks grow hot, and tried to hide his embarrassment with a glare. It wasn't _fair._ He _knew_ Dick had started out as Robin, but he was Nightwing now, and Jason was doing his best to be a worthy Robin. Bruce could see it, and he was proud of him, so why couldn't Dick?

Dick stared at him for a moment, and then sighed. "Batman has fought Ra's al Ghul a number of times," he told Jason patiently. "Ra's…is not a good guy. Neither is Talia."

Jason avoided Dick's gaze, and stared at Damian instead. The baby still had his thumb in his mouth, and it would have been cute under any other circumstance.

(Well okay, it was still kind of cute. Sort of. It was still Demon Baby though).

"Talia's a bad guy, but Bruce still had a kid with her?" Jason asked, his eyes still on Damian.

"Yeah, Bruce and Talia have a…complicated relationship." Jason glanced back at Dick, in time to see him grimace. "It's…sort of like with Catwoman? Only worse, because it's _Talia."_

Well, okay, that still didn't explain a lot of things, but Jason didn't really feel like pushing the matter anymore.

"So," Dick sighed, "when did Bruce say he was coming home?"

Jason blinked. "What?"

"Bruce," Dick repeated. "When you told him about…Damian, when did he say he was coming home?"

"Uh, right, he's not," Jason said, and continued as Dick yelped _"wait, WHAT?!"_ "I tried calling him, but he wouldn't pick up his phone."

Dick groaned, and ran his hand through his hair. _"Really_ Bruce?" he muttered. "After all that lecturing — does he still make you memorise the phone numbers and — ?"

" — quiz me on them several times before he leaves? Yes, yes he does."

Dick shook his head in disbelief. "Alfred had to go to England for a family funeral a few years back, and Bruce had a business trip at the same time — he did the _exact_ same thing to me. Hell, there were even little prizes — I think Alfred insisted — " He paused, and his nose wrinkled. "Oh God."

Jason caught the smell at that exact moment — it didn't even gently waft over, it just fucking _hit._ Sort like a burst of Scarecrow's fear toxin, only worse, because it was the smell of shit.

"I think Damian shat himself," he told Dick, who glared in response.

"I _know,_ I can _smell_ it."

They both stared at Damian, who squirmed, and made a small whimpering noise.

Dick yelped and took a few steps back. "Oh god, he's not going to cry again, is he?"

Damian sobbed.

"Carry him again!" Jason urged, trying to shove Dick forward. Dick sidestepped hurriedly, and shot him a sharp glare.

"I am _not_ carrying him," he snapped. "I — he — I'll get it all over me!"

"Oh come on, it's not like your hot alien girlfriend will see you! Take one for the team!"

 _"You_ do it then! And _don't_ talk about Kory that way!"

"You're the older brother!"

"You are _not_ my brother!"

"Adoption papers say differently! But it's not like I want to be related to you Dickhead, so why don't you tell Bruce to just disown you or whatever, since you never show up here anyway!"

"Hey, _I was here first_ Jason!"

 _"I know!_ It's not like you don't remind me _every time you see me!_ And why don't you talk to Bruce, because _clearly_ he thought you weren't good enough — "

Damian screeched. Both of them jumped, and spun around. Damian was red in the face now, and thrashing his fists furiously.

 _'Shit, that's a terrifying sight.'_

"So — who's carrying him again?" Jason squeaked.

Dick swallowed. "Uh, how about I call Bruce, and — "

 _"I'll_ call Bruce. I _did_ memorise all those numbers after all."

"Oh, real mature Jason," Dick said flatly. "Fine — you call Bruce. I'll…get the carrier. And take him upstairs."

Dick stepped forward, stared at Damian for a moment, and awkwardly picked up the basket. The baby howled and thrashed, and later (when he'd had gotten over his own discomfort) Jason would decide that the look of sheer horror on Dickhead's face was the most hilarious thing he'd seen in awhile.

Dick held the basket away from him, and, with his face scrunched up in disgust, made his way out of the room.

Grinning slightly, Jason turned to the phone, and dialed Bruce's number, hoping to hell that he'd answer this time.

...

Bruce didn't pick up.

Jason had no clue what the hell he was doing, but he was getting an earful when he got back from his trip. And then Jason would make sure to tell Alfred _everything,_ because the only thing better than someone yelling at Bruce, was _Alfred_ yelling at Bruce. For all his Batman-ness, as soon as Alfred opened his mouth, he'd act like a chastened school kid. It was great.

(Still though — Jason wanted him to _pick up the damn phone._ Enough was enough, and he'd sure as hell had enough of Dickhead and Demon Baby to last him a lifetime).

Jason trekked up the stairs, trying to hold on to the image Dick's horrified expression. He reached the top and called out, _"Dick? Where are you?"_

"Your room!" Dick called back. Jason froze, then cursed loudly, and took off running. He skidded to a stop outside his room, slammed the door open, and ran inside. He wouldn't — _he wouldn't —_

Jason let out an enraged howl, and Dick burst out laughing.

"My _bed!"_ he howled, and Damian — the _brat_ — let out a small coo (yes, he _cooed,_ what the hell?!) and kicked his feet playfully on Jason's bed.

"Help me remove his nappy," Dick called out, and the smell — oh god, the _smell_ — wafted over.

(Yes, Bruce better call back soon, before Jason broke the no-killing code).

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **I had way too much fun with this chapter xD I can't believe how long it took me to update this story after the first chapter…but I am really enjoying writing this story, so hopefully I won't do that again. I have a lot of plans for this series, and I really want to continue Damian's adventures growing up with the batfam after this fic, and eventually bring in other members. Tim will definitely be introduced to this series eventually, just not in this fic, and possibly Steph and Cass too.**

 **Tell me what you think!**


	4. Diaper Duty

There something so utterly horrific about a diaper full of shit.

It…seemed like a no-brainer, but he'd never really thought of it before. There were a lot of things he'd thought were a lot worse — he was _Robin_ , it was pretty hard to hide from the harsh truths of life — but right now, staring down at the mess on his bed, and the cooing Demon Baby, who probably thrived on his pain… _there was nothing worse, and his life was so shit, oh my god._

The only good thing in this entire situation was that Dickhead was no longer smiling. Instead he looked like he was seconds away from following Damian's example, except without the cooing and smiling, and hopefully without destroying Jason's bed.

"Ahh…" Dick stared at the diaper, and swallowed. "Should we, uh…where do we put it?"

"What?" Jason asked, his eyes glued to the mess on his bed.

"The diaper," Dick elaborated. "Where do we put it?"

"The…trash can? We can put it in the…oh god, it's on my sheets." Jason took a step backwards, his expression a mask of disgust. Oh god, he was so burning those sheets. And Bruce was so buying him some new, super nice, super expensive ones.

Dick swallowed. "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have pulled it off like that…"

Jason shot him a dirty look. "Oh, you so did that on purpose."

"Well _sorry_ Jason, I haven't exactly changed a diaper before! I figured if we just pull it off…I didn't think it would _go_ everywhere!"

Jason glanced at the bed, and then looked away, grimacing. "Just…clean it up. This is your fault, I'm not doing it."

Dick shot him a glare, but, surprisingly enough, complied. Jason decided to count that as a win; sure, everything about this situation sucked, but if Dickhead suffered just a tiny bit more than him, that was a good thing, right?

"Hey Demon Baby," he said. Damian didn't look at him, but Damian was weird as hell, so Jason wasn't too bothered about that. "Don't you love torturing Dickhead?"

The baby cooed, and Jason decided that maybe he could change Demon Baby's status from 'just plain disturbing' to 'very weird and creepy.'

...

So Dick had come back eventually, looking like he'd just experienced a Hellish nightmare. Jason even pitied the guy, just a little bit; sure he'd rather Dickhead be doing it than him, but it couldn't have been fun.

And after that, things didn't seem to be going too badly. Oh, it was awkward. And uncomfortable. Jason had a horrible image of going to school on Monday, and then — _"What did you do over the weekend Jason?" "Oh I cleaned up my maybe-baby-brother's shit, with my sort-of-big-brother. It was a great bonding exercise for all three of us."_

Yeah. None of this was fun. Jason silently cursed Bruce, because even though the guy had given him a home, a family, an outlet for expressing his anger, etcetera, he'd also apparently turned Jason into a babysitter for the Devil's spawn (and in this scenario, Talia-chick was the Devil, because as pissed as he was at Bruce, the guy wasn't _that_ bad).

So yeah, the whole cleaning up process had been terrible, and Dick had whined and moaned the whole time. Jason probably would have complained about it more if he hadn't been doing the exact same thing. The entire time, Demon Baby had seemed suspiciously cheerful, which only solidified Jason's theory that the child fed on their pain.

But they were done; they were _done._ And it was a goddamn _relief._

"There," Dick sighed. "Kid's all cleaned up, and we are _done, thank fucking god."_

"Alfred says no swearing," Jason said, which was bullshit, since he did it all the time. From Dick's exasperated expression, he was obviously well aware of this.

Dick glanced back at Damian, and flicked the baby's foot playfully. He seemed almost overly relieved, but Jason supposed half an hour of cleaning excrement would do that do you. "Right. Diaper's off, baby's clean — right little man?" Smiling, he reached out to poke Damian's stomach. The kid latched onto his finger, and Dick yelped in pain, pulling back.

Okay, the kid got points for that.

"Um…okay, we need a new diaper."

Silence.

"…Which we don't have."

Jason and Dick, standing side-by-side, stared down at Damian, who was eyeing them with what Jason swore was a predatory gaze.

 _'Yeah you little shit, no diapers. You've just got to make this as hard as possible right?'_

Of course this wasn't Damian's fault. Talia-chick should have provided a baby care bag or something: some diapers, some baby formula (crap, what were they going to _feed_ the kid?), some random kid's cartoon to divert the brat's attention, so they didn't have to deal with him. What, did she think Bruce kept these things stored in the Bat Cave?

"Jason," Dick prompted. "What do we do?"

"Er…he could borrow some of my underwear?"

Dick didn't look at all impressed. Well, he shouldn't have asked then.

"He needs diapers, Jason! He might get a rash otherwise." He glanced back at Damian, chewing his lip nervously. "Okay…you stay here with Damian. _I'll_ go and grab some from the store — "

"Oh no _way!"_ Jason interjected. "No way in hell am I staying here with that — " He paused. Okay, maybe what he'd been about to say wasn't the best thing to say about a baby, but…no, you know what, kid deserved it. "That thing. I'll go and get the diapers."

Dick looked incredulous. " _How?_ Last I checked, you weren't old enough to drive!"

"I'll walk."

"Yeah sure, and take triple the amount of time it'd take me to get them. Look, just sit here, the kid won't even do anything."

Oh please. They both knew that was utter bullshit, because it turned out the kid could _crawl._ That unfortunate discovery had emerged while they were trying to remove his diaper, and it had not been fun. At all. Also, exactly how old _was_ Damian. Strangely, Talia hadn't mentioned the kid's age in that letter.

(Wow, for a super villain, that woman was all over the place. Jason would have thought you'd need super organisational skills in order to plot world domination and what not).

…But the point was, Damian could crawl, and that was just another reason for why Jason wasn't spending anymore quality time with him.

"Look, I already spent heaps of time alone with the kid," he told Dick. "It's your turn. He's your brother too." Well, maybe. If the kid really was Bruce's. But mentioning that might ruin his argument, so he left that part out.

Dick's jaw clenched. "Oh for the love of — _Jason!_ This isn't a matter of what's fair, it's a matter of convenience! The longer we spend buying the diapers, the longer Damian is going to sit there, butt-naked, and potentially ready to shit on your bed!" He glanced at the bed, and his eyes widened. "Damian, _no, stay away from the edge!"_

Then he reached out, and hesitantly grabbed the baby, holding him in that weird 'I'm-going-to-carry-you-but-hold-you-as-far-away-from-me-as-possible' Dick way. Jason glanced wearily at the bed, then back at Demon baby (and seriously, how had they not noticed he could crawl until now?) and grimaced. "I'll come then. With Damian."

"Seriously?" Dick looked almost incredulous. "You want to go out in public — the two of us, who the media know _very_ well, with an unnamed baby? You think _that's_ a better option than staying here for maybe around _half an hour_ while I buy some diapers?"

Jason's eyes narrowed. "It'll be a very long half hour."

Dick looked like he was seconds away from throwing his arms in the air. Jason was sure he'd seen his arms upward, but then he seemed to remember the child in his arms, and settled for shooting Jason his best glare. "Oh god! Come on Jason, stop acting like a kid! I'll be quick, alright?!"

"Nope. You're not leaving this house without me. And if you leave, I'll follow with Damian, and tell everyone he's your love child. Isn't that right, little demon?"

Damian cooed. Dick shot him a betrayed look.

Jason grinned. "See? The baby agrees."

Dick shook his head. "You are are so annoying, dammit! Okay fine, since it's established that neither of us are going, what the hell do you plan to do about _this?!"_

Dick held Damian up, as if to emphasise his point. All it really did was make Jason think of the Lion King, and he giggled. The look of disbelief Dick shot him only made him laugh harder.

...

They ended up calling Barbara, because a that point they were all out of options.

When she finally arrived with the diapers, Jason was just about ready to pull his hair out. Sure, it hadn't been that bad compared to some of the earlier moments, but sitting side-by-side with a silent Dick, and staring at the kid that they were apparently responsible for until Bruce got back, had been awkward, and daunting, and had made Jason want to run downstairs and repeatedly call Bruce until he _finally_ picked up.

When they heard the knock on the door, Dick stood up before Jason even had a chance to process it, and hurried out the door.

Jason thought, _'nice try, asshole,'_ and followed him. But not before he'd picked up Damian, and placed him gently on the floor. Then he left the room, and locked the door. There — no chance of tumbling off the bed, or down the stairs. Who said he wasn't a good babysitter?

Jason hurried down the stairs, and rounded the corner. Dick stood in front of the now open doorway, with Babs standing in front of him.

"Do you have them?" Dick asked frantically.

Barbara held a plastic bag at her side, and to Jason, it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen in a long time (although maybe that was because he'd spent his morning dealing with baby shit and Dick Grayson). "Yes." Her eyes narrowed. "I have the diapers."

"That's great." Dick smiled, but it was strained. Barbara didn't move. "Er…are you going to give them to me?"

Her eyes narrowed further. "I get a call from you asking me to buy diapers for you."

"…Yes?"

"And yet, you refuse to tell me _why._ Dick — why do you need _diapers?"_

"Experiment," Jason said, because it was honestly the first thing he could think of. They'd both agreed not to tell Barbara the truth for now. Yes, she was practically family, but knowing Bruce, he wouldn't want this news spreading around until he was sure about who Damian was. And probably about Talia's motives, as Dick had pointed out numerous times.

Barbara glanced at him. "What?"

"They're for an experiment. We…wanted to see if diapers would float on water."

Dick winced.

 _'Well, you try coming up with something better.'_

"What?" Barbara repeated, looking completely baffled. Of course she did — she was smart, and what remotely intelligent person would fall for _that_ excuse? Oh well, there was time to salvage this situation. Maybe. Hopefully.

Or maybe they could just throw Bruce into the deep-end. Who cared what he wanted; he'd abandoned them to this nightmare. The manor was seriously like an upper-class, sophisticated version of Hell. And Damian was Satan (no, he wasn't exaggerating at all).

But for now, enough mental rambling. He had some situation-salvaging to do.

"Because, logically they'd float, right? But, um, we've never tried it, so…uh, you want to come and see?"

Well, he'd tried.

Barbara stared. "Do I want to come and see…if diapers float on water?"

"Yup."

They stared at each other for a moment longer. Jason had just enough time to think, _'she's distracted - quick Dickhead, grab the bag, push her out the doorway, and lock the door!'_ before the sharp sound of a baby's cry pierced through the room.

"Is that a _baby?!"_

Shit. "Uh, no — "

Dick stared at Jason, his eyes widening in realisation. Jason wasn't exactly sure what this revelation was, but since his next words were, "where the hell is the kid?!" maybe it had something to do with the missing baby.

Jason pointed towards the staircase. Dick's eyes widened in horror.

"You left him upstairs _alone?!_ Please tell me he's not still on the bed!"

"Well no…he's on the floor? And the doors locked, I'm sure he's totally fine."

Dick let out a loud yelp, and shoved past him, running up the stairs. His loud _"oh god, oh my god!"_ echoed behind him. Jason turned back to Barbara, who was staring after Dick, her eyes wide.

"Jason," she said slowly, "why is there a baby here?"

Shit. Well, there went his experiment excuse. He thought about it for a moment, trying to come up with an excuse that wouldn't involve a crazy story about a half-bat, half-assassin baby.

"It's Dick's love child," he said at last, and mentally pat himself on the back.

Barbara's jaw dropped. _"What?"_

"Yeah I know, right?"

 _"Dick_ has a _kid?"_ she sounded more shocked than he'd be if he'd heard that news. "Oh my god, when did he find out? I can't believe this is the first time I'm hearing about this!" She paused, her brow furrowing slightly. "But wait, why did he ask _me_ to get diapers…?"

Jason opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted as Dick walked back into the room, with Damian in his arms. Barbara let out a squeal, and hurried over to where they were standing. She stared at Damian, her hands clasped to her chest, and Jason swore that there were practically _hearts_ in her eyes. Okay that was seriously weird; did she not realise this was demon spawn?

(Well okay, the kid _was_ kind of cute, but still).

"Oh wow, is that him?" Barbara reached out to poke Damian gently on the stomach, and the kid let out a small giggle. "Aww he's so cute! What's his name?"

"Damian," Jason supplied.

Barbara tickled Damian's tummy, while the kid continued to let out peals of laughter. God, this was _weird._ Damian didn't _laugh_ , he handed out Junior Bat Glares. "Aw, Dick, he even has your blue eyes! But seriously, are you telling me you had no diapers _at all_?"

Dick's head jerked up and he stared at her in confusion. "What do you mean he has my eyes?"

Jason snickered.

Dick turned to him, and his eyes widened in realisation. "What did you tell her, you little twerp?!" he demanded.

Damian scowled, squirming slightly in Dick's grip. Barbara frowned, and reached out. "No Dick, you're not holding him right! Turn him around, and try supporting his — "

"No, no, wait," Dick interrupted, "why would you think he has my eyes? He's…you don't think…he's not _mine!"_

Jason let out a snort of laughter. Oh yeah, this was just too good. If Dick decided to break the no-kill rule after this, it'd still be worth it.

Barbara looked up from where she'd been adjusting her grip on Damian, and her eyebrows raised. "Dick, you don't have to be embarrassed or anything," she said gently. "I get that this must be a shock for you."

 _"He's not mine!"_

Damian's struggles returned, and he let out a small, distressed noise. Dick stared down at him, as if only just remembering he was still there. Barbara let out a disbelieving huff, and reached out, hooking her hands under the baby's armpits.

"Oh for gods — give him here!" She took him into her arms, and held him against her, rocking him gently. He calmed almost instantly, letting out a few small whimpers, before laying his head on Barbara's shoulder. Jason decided in that moment, that Babs _totally_ had some kind of superpower.

(Also, Demon Baby looked less demon-like and more like a normal baby. It was actually kind of cute).

"I did some babysitting during high school," Barbara said, probably in response to their amazed stares. "And — he's not yours? Jason said he was."

Dick shot Jason a vicious glare, and Jason shrugged. Again — this was totally worth it.

"Well, he's not," Dick said. "He's…uh…"

Barbara raised one eyebrow, her expression leaving no room for argument. Dick looked like he was about to break and spill the truth, which was probably a good thing, a) because he was all out of lies, and b) because he could always tell Bruce that it was Dick's fault.

"He's Bruce's," Dick sighed.

Barbara choked. _"Bruce's?_ Seriously?!" She studied their expressions, as if trying to figure out if they were joking, and then, after determining that they weren't, turned her attention to the child in her arms. "He…has a kid? When did he find out about this?"

"He doesn't know," Jason said. "Talia dropped him off earlier today."

 _"Talia?!"_

Dick nodded frantically. "I know right?"

Wow, no one liked this Talia chick, did they? Jason wondered if Bruce would react as strongly, but…he _had_ slept with her. And had apparently forgotten to wear protection.

(Geez Bruce, what happened to always being prepared? Apparently there were still things missing from that utility belt).

"I can't believe he'd…oh my god." Barbara shook her head in disbelief. "Okay, you know what, I really don't want to think about that. And at least the kid's cute."

Yeah, sure, if that's what she wanted to believe.

Barbara bounced Damian slightly, gave him a small smile, and then turned her attention back to Jason and Dick. She passed Damian over to Dick, who's eyes widened in panic. She then turned to Jason, gesturing to the bag of diapers, which now lay on the floor. "The diapers are in the bag. I'm going to head off now, okay? I told my dad I'd meet him for lunch." Studying their panicked expressions, she added, "will you be okay without me?"

The silence dragged on, and Barbara's expression turned to one of concern.

"You…really have to go?" Jason asked.

Dick nudged Jason with his elbow. "We'll be fine," he told Barbara.

Jason stared at Dick in disbelief, because — _seriously?_ They _finally_ had someone who could actually handle to brat, and Dickhead wanted to let her go?

Barbara nodded. "Alright then. But…call me if you need any help. I'm no expert, but I'll do my best to help." She turned to the doorway, paused and muttered, "I can't believe _Bruce_ has a _kid…"_ before leaving.

And then it was just the three of them again: Demon Baby and his possible-but-hopefully-not big brothers.

Oh god.

...

Well it really wasn't too bad, right? Or at least not as bad as before. They had some diapers, which made Jason feel like less of a useless shit, and and they now had Babs on their side, which meant if something really bad went wrong, they had someone to turn (cry) to.

Yeah. This was more like it. Jason even managed to smile a little as he walked up the stairs with a new sense of purpose. A quick glance at Dick showed that he seemed to be displaying a similar sense of relief. Plus, Damian looked genuinely happy; yet another bonus.

Then he entered the room and realised that no, of course things weren't good. This was his life, why the hell would things be good?

"Dick," he started warily, "do you know how to change a diaper?" Because he sure as hell didn't. And judging from Dick's sudden look of panic, neither did he.

Oh god, how was this his life?


	5. Family Feuds

Jason was in his own version of Hell.

Well, he was pretty sure that had already been established, but there was nothing wrong with being thorough. And this was definitely Hell, because the only reason he'd be stuck in a room with the Devil (because Demon Baby was the Devil) and Dickhead, was if that room happened to be in Hell.

And Damian…yeah, the kid was cute and all (in his own terrifying way), but he just _wouldn't stop crying._

He and Dick had tried looking up "how to make a baby stop crying" on Dick's phone. It probably would have been way more successful if Damian hadn't been screeching in the background. After a few minutes of them desperately trying to ignore him, Dick had jumped to his feet, said he'd just go and use the computer in the other room, and had left.

And by 'left' he meant 'ran out of the room like his arse was on fire.'

Jason had been torn between staring at him incredulously (because Dickhead had _left him alone with the Demon Baby)_ , and imagining him getting run over by the Batmobile (because he had _left him alone with the DEMON BABY!)._

There were a few certainties in life, and the fact that Dickhead was a dick was one of them.

"Please stop crying," he said.

Demon Baby let out another screeching wail. He should have known that it wouldn't be that easy.

Jason sighed, and gazed blankly at the ceiling. Maybe he could just ignore the kid. He'd just…mediate. Yeah, that sounded good. He'd been in this group home once, and old Mrs. Jamison had forced them (well, she'd asked politely, but Jason had seen the manic glint in her eyes. The woman seemed like a kindly old granny, but there was a psychopath in there, just waiting to break free) to engage in daily mediation sessions. Apparently it was supposed to help with their…strong emotional states.

(Translation: they were crazy little bastards, with too much pent-up anger).

In the end, Jason was _pretty_ sure she'd had a breakdown (she'd just kind of…disappeared one day, and they'd all been moved to different homes), so that was the end of that.

He'd picked up a few tips on how this meditation thing worked though, and…it was _actually_ useful. Kind of. He doubted you could just tell the Joker or Killer Croc to meditate, and they'd suddenly be frolicking through the piss-soaked alleys of Gotham, screaming about world peace and rainbow bunnies, but…he felt _really_ stressed right now, and maybe it could help with that.

He closed his eyes, breathed through his nose, and forced his mind to go blank. For a moment, he thought — _'holy shit, this is ACTUALLY working'_ — and then Damian flailed, and kicked him in the groin, and Jason screeched.

(The kid had legs, he'd give him that. If he survived to adulthood — because Jason was thinking some really dark thoughts right now — he'd be a pretty great asset to their vigilante family).

Then again, the kid probably wasn't Bruce's, so there was a very high chance Jason would never see him again. Jason _hoped_ for that. He really, _really_ did.

Damian's arm hit his jaw, and Jason was once again reminded that this entire situation sucked.

And _where_ was Dickhead?

"Okay," Jason said, setting Damian down on the couch. No way was he letting the kid hit him again. "Just…stop crying."

Damian wailed.

"…Fine then, be an asshole. I swear, you're worse than Dick."

More wails.

"That was an insult, by the way. Being worse than Dick basically means you suck so much, you shouldn't even be a real person. Seriously, can a person like that exist in this world…your face is really red. I don't think that's normal. Is that normal?"

No really, Damian looked red. Was he even getting enough air with all that screaming?

"Dick!" Jason yelled. "The baby's dying, I think."

Dick said nothing.

Asshole.

Jason's eyes scanned the room desperately, and landed on Dick's phone, lying on the coffee table. Dick had left it there, before leaving the room to do…whatever the fuck he was doing right now. Jason was _seriously_ going to make him pay, because this was so unfair.

"Here," he said, thrusting the phone at Damian. "Just…play with that."

Damian's wails stopped abruptly, and he stared at the phone, looking almost confused. Could babies be confused? Jason wasn't sure, but who cared, when the Demon Baby had _finally shut the hell up._

Jason smiled, and mentally pat himself on the back. _Hell_ _yeah_. And he'd done a better job than Dickhead.

Then Damian threw the phone at the wall, and started wailing again. Because Jason should have known better — when was the universe _ever_ on his side?

"I don't like you," he told the wailing baby.

Dick chose that moment to barge back into the room. Of course.

"Here!" he said, waving around a piece of paper. "I looked up 'ways to make a baby stop crying' and wrote down anything that sounded like it might actually work."

Jason took one look at the list, and the perfect handwriting (seriously, it was all fancy cursive, and everything), and decided that, as much as he hated the little twerp at the moment, _no_ _one_ could suck as much as Dickhead Grayson.

"You purposely dragged that out as long as possible, didn't you?" Jason said flatly. Because no one working on a tight schedule could produce something _that_ visually perfect. Fancy cursive writing — enough said.

"I did my best," Dick retorted. "And why is Damian crying?" His eyes zeroed in on something on the floor. "Is that my _phone?!"_

Oh yeah. Jason had forgotten about that.

"Jason, what the Hell?!"

"It wasn't me!" Jason protested. "It was the baby!" Well, that was technically true…

Dick picked up the phone, and Jason caught sight of the crack running across the screen. He felt a brief moment of satisfaction, and then realised Dick was probably going to kill him now.

Well. At least that would leave the asshole alone with the crying baby. Jason could die a happy man with that knowledge alone.

" _Why_ are you so annoying?" Dick groused. "All you had to do was watch the kid — "

Oh, he was _not_ going there. He could insult Jason. He could try to kill him. But he was not going to question Jason's (admittedly godawful) babysitting skills, when _he'd_ been the one suffering through this daycare-themed Hell, while Dickhead pretended he was actually doing work.

Jason got off the couch, and walked over to Dick, his fists clenched at his sides.

"You shouldn't have left," Jason snapped. "I've been stuck here with Demon Baby, trying to actually help."

"I told you I was _making_ _a_ _list_. Of ways to _actually_ help the situation."

"Your list sucks, and so do you," Jason said, because he was obviously a mature adult.

Dick stared at him. " _Really_ Jason?"

"Well you do!" Jason could feel his anger rising, and a small part of him was screaming, _'okay Jay, stop right there before this gets PERSONAL.'_ "You're always so _mean_ , and it's just because Bruce likes me more than he likes you. Well maybe if you weren't such a jerk, he'd actually be able to put up with you — "

Dick rolled his eyes. "Jason, I am not having this discussion with you."

"Why? Because you don't want to admit it? Look, Bruce made me Robin, okay? If you're not happy with it, then take it out on _him_."

"You do realise that _I_ left, right?" Dick said. "I'm Nightwing now. I don't _want_ to be Robin anymore. But Bruce shouldn't have — "

Jason's jaw clenched. "If you don't want to be Robin, why does it matter? I'm trying my best, okay!"

And he was. God, he was trying _so_ hard, to be worthy of the title, to make Bruce proud of him. Why couldn't Dick understand that? Jason wasn't trying to replace him. Hell, it wasn't as if he ever could — he may say those things to get under Dick's skin, but Dick had been there first. Dick had years with Bruce, and Jason had only just shown up. Jason could never replace Dick, and he didn't want to. He just wanted be a part of this family.

Why couldn't Dick understand that?

"I _know_ that." Dick ran a hand though his hair, looking frustrated. "But why did it have to be _Robin_? You could have created your own identity, become your own hero — why _Robin?"_

God, Jason would never understand this guy. "You literally _just_ said you don't want to be Robin."

"I _don't!_ But it wasn't Bruce's to just _give away!"_

Their argument probably would have continued for a _very_ long time, if they weren't interrupted by a loud ' _thud!'_

Jason stared at Dick. Dick stared at Jason.

Wordlessly, they turned to the couch, and stared at the empty spot that had once occupied a baby.

They then stared at the floor, where said baby lay sprawled, after falling headfirst.

 _'Huh,'_ Jason thought. _'Knew I was forgetting something.'_

He then felt panic shoot through him, because _babies were not supposed to fall on their heads like that._

For once, Dick seemed to be on the same page as him, because he looked equally horrified.

"Oh my God, we broke him," Dick said, his eyes wide in terror, as Damian once against burst into tears.

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **This chapter took AGES for me to finish because I honestly had no idea how to finish it. I have a better idea for the next two chapters, so hopefully they wont take as long. Also - Jason and Dick will have a chance to put…a fair amount of their differences behind them in the next chapter (or try to…we'll see how it goes).**

 **And Bruce's reaction to Damian will be coming in the 7th (and last) chapter.**

 **Anyway, hopefully this wasn't terrible, and once again, sorry for the wait! Thank you for taking the time to read my story — I really appreciate it!**


	6. The Waiting Room

This was the last place Jason wanted to be right now: stuck in an enclosed space with Dickhead Grayson, and unable to leave because of the most affective form of imprisonment — _guilt._

Damian might be seriously injured. Maybe he had _brain damage._ And Jason couldn't help but feel like it was all his fault. Sure, Dick played a huge part. A _huge_ part. But…well, Jason hadn't exactly been nice to the kid, and even though he was probably the spawn of Satan, he was still just a baby.

Dick had called Leslie, and had somehow managed to blubber out a story that was plausible enough to convince her to make a home visit. Or, a more likely scenario, Dick's hysteria had made her realise that something was _very wrong._

Either way, she'd shown up shortly after the phone call, taken one look at the situation — Damian yelling, Dick holding Damian and yelling, and Jason pacing and yelling — and had demanded to know what was going on.

A few moments later (after listening to a series of cries of, _"it was his fault" "brat hit his head — " "Jason was supposed to be —" "He's Dick's love child!" —_ she'd snapped out a harsh "Never-mind," and had taken Damian from Dick.

She'd set him on the sofa and sat down beside him, while Dick and Jason hung awkwardly behind her. After managing to get them to answer her questions — how old was Damian, what had happened, where was he hurt — she'd told them to wait outside until she'd finished. Jason had briefly considered arguing, because wouldn't Damian feel more comfortable with one of them around? But Leslie had had an almost dangerous glint in her eyes, and he hadn't wanted to push his luck. Besides, Damian was a baby demon so he could probably take care of himself.

And that's how he'd found himself sitting outside the room and waiting for Leslie to finish up. Dick sat beside him, looking as nervous as he felt. Jason tried to ignore him. They should be focusing on Damian right now, not on how much they hated each other. It was kind of their fault that Damian was broken, so they owed the kid that much at least.

It would have been a lot easier if Dick didn't keep shooting him these _looks._

After about the fifth one, Jason finally snapped.

"Okay, what the hell? If you have a problem with me, just say it!"

Dick sighed. "I didn't say anything, Jason."

"You keep _looking_ at me. And come on, don't pretend you _don't_ have a problem with me, what with all that stuff you were saying before." He remembered Dick saying that Robin wasn't Bruce's to give away, and his fists clenched. What the hell was Dick's _problem?_ So he could fuck off and do whatever he wanted, but Bruce wasn't allowed to find a new partner because _he_ said so?

"I don't want to argue with you right now."

Jason's eyes narrowed. Tough luck. Dick had avoided this for too long, and Jason wasn't going to let him go on treating him like shit for no reason. If Dick wanted to be an asshole, then Jason wanted to know _why._ "You've hated me from day one because Bruce made me Robin! Just admit it!"

Dick sat up, his jaw clenched and his eyes flashing dangerously. Apparently his mediocre attempt at acting civil was over. "Fine," he said, "you want to know _why?_ I'll tell you. Robin was _mine!_ Bruce had no right to — goddammit, my _parents_ gave me that name! And — and those colours — those were _our_ colours, he had no right to just — "

"Wait, what?" Jason froze and his eyes widened. He…hadn't been expecting that. What the hell? What did Dick _mean…?_

The realisation hit him and he felt his cheeks grow hot in embarrassment. There was no _way…_

Shit. Bruce, _what the hell?!_

"The costume," he said slowly, "and the name…your parents gave them to you?"

For a long while Dick didn't say anything. Jason watched as a series of emotions passed over his face. He expected Dick to snap at him or say something insulting. That was pretty much how their relationship went.

Instead, Dick's shoulders slumped, and the anger seemed to drain out of him. "They used to call me Robin," he said, sounding more tired than anything. "It was — a nickname, I guess. And those colours, they were ours. We used to wear them for our performances."

"Oh." Jason stared intently at his lap. _Shit, shit._ He'd had no idea. Bruce had never told him. If he'd known — well _shit._ Jason wouldn't have just accepted it like that. He would have spoken to Dick first or something.

"I didn't _know,"_ he said. "I thought it was something Bruce had just come up with or — I dunno, _something._ I didn't know it was — " _Yours._

Jason had known that Dick had been Robin. But he hadn't known Robin had _belonged_ to him. To him, it had always been something that Bruce had had the last say over. If Dick wasn't happy with him as Robin, then tough luck — Bruce was Batman and Robin was Batman's partner, and that meant that Batman could decide who did or didn't run around in that weird little costume.

This changed everything. Bruce should never have just given him that name and that uniform if he'd known what it meant to Dick. Jason had alway felt like he could never measure up to Dick, and right now he felt more out of place than ever.

"Ah, it's okay," Dick said, his voice uncertain. And holy shit, that was weird. Dick usually didn't sound anything other than mocking, sarcastic, angry or bored when he spoke to Jason. "It's…" He hesitated. "It's not really your fault I guess. Bruce just — I was barely even gone and he just replaced me. But that's between me and him I guess, I shouldn't — yeah." He shrugged weakly and averted his gaze, and Jason realised that Dick had no idea what to say.

It was so ridiculous. This was Dick Grayson, the golden boy, the perfect son. "That's so stupid," he said. Dick's head snapped up, and the uncertainty was replaced by annoyance. Well, it'd been kind of nice while it lasted. "You're obviously Bruce's favourite. I might be Robin now, but I'll never be _you."_

Dick snorted. "Are you kidding me? You're the kid he always wanted."

Jason shot Dick and incredulous look. "What are you _talking_ about?" Was Dick that stupid? _Obviously_ he was Bruce's favourite. It wasn't even a contest. It hurt Jason to admit, because Bruce was the first and only dad he'd ever had, but he'd always come second. Dick had been here first, both in Bruce Wayne's life and in Batman's, and no matter how much time Jason shared with Bruce, Dick would always have more.

It wasn't fair. Dick didn't even seem to _appreciate_ what he had. He was never here, and when he was he was always fighting with Bruce. He didn't even have to _try._ Jason always had to do his best, so that Bruce would really see him as a son and not just some brat he'd picked up from the street.

It wasn't _fair._

"He adopted you."

Jason snorted. "Wait, _that's_ your evidence that he loves me more than he loves you? So what, he adopted you too."

Dick glanced away.

"Wait, _what?"_

"I was his ward for a while and — it doesn't matter anyway. I'm an adult now, so I don't really need stuff like that."

Jason stared. This was hard to wrap his head around. He'd honestly had no idea — why _hadn't_ Bruce adopted Dick? It was _Dick_ for God's sake. It made no sense that Bruce would adopt Jason and not Dick.

Dick shrugged uncomfortably. "It's not a big deal."

"…I don't know why he didn't," Jason said, "but he loves you. I'm not kidding, he talks about you _all the time._ You're obviously his favourite kid." And for once, he didn't even feel bitter or annoyed about admitting that. Goddammit, he was actually feeling bad for Dickhead.

Dick shook his head. "It's really not a big deal, Jason."

Jason's eyes narrowed. "Hey, I'm venting, okay? Being second best sucks."

Dick snorted. "You're the best at being annoying."

"No, you beat me at that too."

And then Dick _laughed._ Holy shit, he'd actually made Dickhead Grayson laugh. This was a momentous moment. If he had a diary, he'd definitely be writing this in it. Hell, he'd go out and buy a diary just for this.

"But hey," Jason said, because as annoying as Dick was — and _that_ wouldn't be changing anytime soon — this was actually kind of nice. "You might not be the favourite for much longer, what with Demon Baby and everything."

"He might not be Bruce's biological kid," Dick pointed out. "Talia is pretty crazy."

"Yeah." But maybe, if it did turn out that Demon Baby was Bruce's kid, it wouldn't be _that_ bad. Maybe having a kid brother would actually be kind of nice when there were actual adults around to do all the work. As long as Jason never had babysitting duty, he could probably live with it. And he'd definitely be a better big brother than Dick.

"Hey, Jason?"

"Yeah, Dickhead?"

Dick glanced at him for a moment, and then, to Jason's surprise, simply rolled his eyes in amusement. "I was _going_ to say that maybe you aren't that bad, but I changed my mind."

Jason smirked. "Too late. You already thought it, so it's too late to take it back."

"Yeah sure, if that's what you want to believe."

"I will." Jason hesitated. Oh, what the hell, he sure as hell wasn't letting Dickhead beat him at being the better person. "And, uh, _maybe_ you aren't horrible either."

Dick snorted, and Jason smiled. There — he could totally be mature about this.

…

The door opened and Leslie stepped out, a now quiet and docile Damian resting in her arms.

 _'Brat, what the hell, why can't you act like that around us?!'_

"He's fine," Leslie said. "Just a small bump, but nothing serious. Keep an eye on him and call me if anything happens."

She passed Damian to Dick, who hesitantly took him and placed him on his lap. Damian's eyes blinked open, and Jason tensed, waiting for him to start screeching again. Instead, he simply stared almost curiously at Dick, before nestling back into Dick's arms and closing his eyes.

"What the _fuck?"_

"Language," Leslie said. She turned to Dick. "So, he's yours?"

"What?!" Dick yelped. "No, of course not, he's _Bruce's!"_

Jason, meanwhile, tried to keep his gleeful laughter under control. The last thing he wanted was to wake Damian up.

Leslie's eyes widened in surprise. "What? _Bruce's?"_ She studied their expressions, trying to determine if they were lying or not. Once she'd accepted their story — and Jason was surprised just how quickly she had. Hell, it'd taken him hours. He _still_ didn't fully accept it — she shook her head in disbelief. "He just — left him alone, with you two?"

"Oh, he doesn't know yet," Dick said.

Silence.

"…The mom kind of just…left him on the doorstep."

"Oh," Leslie managed. "And you're alright looking after him by yourself?"

Dick nodded hesitantly. "Yeah I think we can handle it." He glanced down at the baby in his arms, his expression surprisingly soft. "What do you think, Little D?"

Jason raised his eyebrows. "Little D?"

Dick shrugged. "Beats Demon Baby."

…

Now that Damian wasn't constantly screeching — and who knew all it would take was a knock to the head? And okay, yeah, maybe not being around his and Dick's constant arguing helped too — he actually wasn't so bad to be around. Maybe he was even a little bit… _cute._

Wow, he'd never thought he'd actually think that.

And apparently Dick, once he'd gotten over his initial shitty attitude, actually wasn't terrible with kids.

"Aww, Little D, you're so adorable!"

Jason still hadn't wrapped his head around _that_ one.

"Hey Demon Baby," Jason said, leaning over to smile at Damian. The baby glanced up at him with wide, curious eyes from where he was sitting on Dick's lap. "Be a good boy and pee on Dick."

Dick smiled and dumped Damian on Jason's lap. "He's all yours."

Jason stuck his tongue at Dick, and then turned to Damian. He smirked and poked Damian's nose, biting back a laugh when the baby let out a small noise of surprise. "Hey brat, you're actually not too bad, you know? Now that you aren't trying to make us deaf. I think — "

And then the front door burst open, and Jason was reacquainted to the sounds of Damian's ear-shattering shrieks.

"What the hell?!" Dick cried, jumping up in shock.

Before Jason could even think of formulating a response, he heard a set of thundering footsteps, and then Bruce was standing in the open doorway of the living room, his expression thunderous.

 _"Can't anyone answer their phone?!"_

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **So FINALLY finished this chapter. Sorry for the ridiculously long wait, but hopefully this was worth it. Not as much humor in this chapter, and this was more of a chance for Jason and Dick to set aside their differences. Hopefully I did an alright job with that.**

 **Also I'm not exactly sure when Bruce officially adopted Dick, but I think it was after Jason died? So at this stage it wouldn't have happened yet? Not sure if that's right or not, so if it's not…well, that's the way it's happening in this fic xD**

 **One chapter left, and you'll get to see how Bruce reacts to Damian.**

 **Hopefully you enjoyed this and tell me what you think!**


	7. Little Brothers

There were a few beats of silence, in which Jason and Dick stared at Bruce, Bruce stared at Jason and Dick, and Damian chewed on Jason's shirt.

"What's _wrong_ with you two?!" Bruce demanded, his expression thunderous. "Jason, if you're going to leave me messages claiming you have an emergency, then _answer your phone when I call you back!"_

"You didn't answer _your_ phone," Jason shot back.

"I was in a meeting. And after that I tried calling back, and neither of you would answer!"

…Okay yeah, he hadn't checked his phone in a while. But it wasn't not like he didn't have a _very_ good reason for it. And it was Bruce's fault anyway — if he hadn't had a child with psycho Talia-chick, then Jason could have answered his phone. Hell, if Damian didn't exist, he wouldn't have even _needed_ to answer his phone in the first place.

Of course he was trying that new 'actually-liking-the-demon-brat' thing, so that meant no more complaining about Damian's existence.

God, this was going to be harder than he'd thought.

"We were busy," Dick said.

Bruce snorted. "Busy? With what?"

Then he noticed the baby in Jason's lap (Jason supposed the fact that he and Dick were sitting in close proximity and _not_ trying to kill each other was probably very confusing as well) and stared.

There was a moment of silence. Then another one. Finally Bruce managed a confused, "Who's — ?"

"Yours," Dick said quickly.

"And some woman named Talia," Jason added.

Bruce's face went white.

…

"So," Jason said, watching as Dick juggled Damian on his hip, "even if he isn't yours, are we going to keep him?"

Bruce didn't reply.

"Bruce? Seriously, having a little brother isn't as bad as I thought. And besides, he looks just like you — has your scowl and everything. He's _definitely_ yours. Right Dick?"

Dick let out a little coo and poked Damian's nose.

Jason turned back to Bruce. "See? Even Dick agrees."

Bruce sighed, shaking his head. "I don't — I don't know why you didn't _call_ me."

"We _did,_ Bruce," Dick shot back. "You just weren't answering your phone. And we had our hands full with this one."

"He was really annoying," Jason piped in, because he didn't think Bruce appreciated just how demonic his spawn was. Sure, Damian was kind of adorable (something he hadn't wanted to admit before), but that didn't change the fact that they had a _long_ road ahead of them.

Bruce was doing a DNA test. Of course he was, it was _Bruce._ He also seemed very eager to avoid any mention of Talia-chick, so Jason would just have to quiz Dick on her later. Or Alfred whenever he got back, if Dick decided to go back to being Dickhead.

(Oh yeah, they still had to tell Alfred, didn't they?).

They were waiting to find out the results. Jason wasn't too worried. He had a feeling that Damian wouldn't be going anywhere. No, he was more worried about Bruce, who was probably going to break both of his hands if he didn't stop squeezing them so much.

He should probably offer up some advice. After all, he _was_ the baby expert now.

"Damian's actually not such a bad kid once you get past all the crying, and biting, and destruction of property."

Bruce blinked. "What?"

"Ignore him," Dick said. "He only — well okay, he did kind of ruin my phone."

Damian gurgled proudly.

"Aww, Little D."

"Little D?" Bruce asked, sounding a bit numb.

"Dick's stupid nickname for him," Jason said. "Can you believe that about an hour ago, he couldn't stand the kid? And now he looks ready to steal him from right under your nose."

"Shut up, Jason," Dick retorted. "I'm just — trying to be a good brother."

Jason snorted. Yeah, Dick still had _a lot_ of work to do before he could be considered a 'good brother.' Although he wasn't nearly as bad as Jason had thought… _not_ that he'd ever say that out loud. Dick's head was big enough already.

"Anyway," Jason said, "the kid might have brain damage, so he could have a completely different personality now for all we know."

Damian _did_ look suspiciously cheerful. And he hadn't tried to murder anyone, or glare anyone to death in a while.

 _"What?"_ And now Bruce looked alarmed.

"Don't listen to him," Dick interjected. "Leslie said he was fine."

 _"Leslie_ was here?"

"She thought he was Dick's," Jason said gleefully. "She knows he's yours now though."

" _Might_ be mine," Bruce corrected, looking apprehensive. He stared at Damian, and Jason thought he could see genuine fear on his face. Dick seemed to see it too, because he gave Bruce a small, comforting smile.

"It's okay, you know? If Damian is yours…then Jason and I will be here to help out."

Except Jason would be the one stuck with the kid 24/7, while Dick would be living it up in his bachelor pad, dropping by for quick visits whenever he felt like it. Jason would probably be stuck changing diapers and being used as a human chew toy.

Ugh, maybe Dick would be willing to take in a roommate.

…Yeah, never mind, they definitely weren't there yet.

"Do you want to hold him?" Dick asked.

Bruce's eyes widened and he started to shake his head. "No, that's okay — "

"Seriously, it's not that bad," Jason said. "We've been holding him all day and he only shat himself once."

Bruce stared.

"Here." Without waiting for a response, Dick dumped Damian on Bruce's lap.

Bruce's froze.

"Make sure you hold him!" Jason called out, because Damian looked ready to slide right off. Jason didn't think Leslie would be too impressed if she had to make another home visit.

Bruce's arms moved almost mechanically, his hands positioned awkwardly at Damian's sides. Damian shuffled slightly on his lap and scowled. The resemblance was uncanny.

Jason _really_ needed a photo of this.

Damian nuzzled his head against Bruce's chest, the scowl still present. If Jason didn't know that the kid was capable of smiling, he would have thought it was just his default expression. Bruce swallowed, staring down at him with wide eyes.

Dick watched them, grinning widely, and it took Jason a moment to realise that he was smiling too.

Well. It _was_ pretty cute. Especially now that Bruce didn't look like he was being held against his will.

He was pretty sure Damian was Bruce's. It wasn't just the physical resemblance — as much as a baby could resemble someone. It just _felt_ right. And, okay, maybe he wanted it to be true. The kid wasn't nearly as bad as he'd thought, and…it'd be kind of nice to be a big brother. He'd make a better brother than _Dickhead,_ that was for sure.

Jason glanced at Dick from the corner of his eye, and saw that he was _still_ grinning from ear to ear. Okay, maybe he would have to put in a bit of extra work for that 'best big brother' title.

And maybe…maybe having a big brother wouldn't be so bad either (and that was still a _big_ maybe).

And in the slight chance that Damian wasn't Bruce's…well. Bruce did have a habit of taking in strays. Convincing him to take in one more wouldn't be _that_ hard.

…

It turned out Damian was Bruce's (surprise, surprise).

Jason _knew_ that scowl was hereditary.

Bruce didn't seem that disappointed by the results. Jason was pretty sure Damian had just worked his baby magic on Bruce by that point, if the easy, relaxed hold Bruce had on his son was anything to go by.

So it looked like he had a new baby brother. And as long as he didn't need to deal with the dirty diapers, or late nights, or any of the hard stuff…then he was pretty okay with it.

(Someone really needed to tell Alfred though).

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **AND IT'S DONE!**

 **Yes, I'm finally getting around to updating my stories…and I got this done :) Can't believe I started this back in 2015…I will eventually be writing more for this series, but I'm not exactly sure when. There are some other fics I need to update first, and some other stuff I've been wanting to write…but I will eventually write more :) And I definitely need to write Alfred's reaction to Damian :)**

 **Hopefully you enjoyed this, and thank you so much for sticking with this story!**


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